Jennifer's Body (2009)

Director: Karyn Kusama

Writer: Diablo Cody

Starring: Megan Fox, Amanda Seyfried, Adam Brody

Rated: R (sexuality, bloody violence, language, brief drug use)

Why have I waited so long to review my “J” movie? Because it was so terrible I literally forgot about it. In fact, I should probably watch it again to refresh my memory…but I’d rather not waste my life, thanks.

Jennifer’s Body stars Megan Fox who plays Jennifer and Amanda Seyfried who plays Needy, and it’s basically about a really hot and popular girl who’s best friends with a total loser – yeah it’s a super realistic portrayal of life.

So the two of them are the best of friends and everything seems strangely normal until they attend a gig for a band called “Low Shoulder” at a local bar. This bar happens to be the only bar in town so when it randomly bursts into flames it’s less than ideal. But that’s beside the point which is really that Jennifer decides to ignore the fact that people are dying right in front of her and makes the wise decision to go off with the band members in their incredibly sketchy van despite Needy’s attempts to stop her.

Being the great friend that she is, Needy leaves. But don’t worry! She’s later visited that night by the surprisingly alive Jennifer, covered in blood, who proceeds to eat an entire chicken from Needy’s refrigerator which leads to her throwing up a whole bunch of black goo. And thus the term “bitches be trippin” was born.

Anyway to sum up the rest of the bizarre plot, the movie turns into a terrible version of Heathers (1988) minus the suicide: a girl realizing her best friend is – and always has been – a totally crazy jerk who sleeps with people before eating them. Please, tell me now if you think this movie could possibly be good now that you know what it’s about.

To be fair, I can see what the writers were trying to do which was make a dark teen comedy about death. But in all honesty, the comedy wasn’t funny at all. It was surprisingly elementary for the subject matter and at times it felt like the jokes were written by a thirteen-year-old boy. If you watch Heathers, which is about the very serious topic of teen suicide, you will realize that there actually is a way to make these things funny, but in order to make it appropriate – or funny at all – you have to also address the issue in a more serious tone as opposed to making every other line a joke. Jennifer’s Body seemed to focus only on how they could make the idea of people dying funny and forget that death is in fact a very serious and tragic thing.

Aside from the comedic aspect of the film, I had other issues. Firstly, the fact that Needy left Jennifer to quite possibly be raped in the beginning of the movie. (Great way to illustrate how strong their friendship is, guys). I’m sorry, but there is no way in HELL I would ever allow my best friend to get into a van with strangers who, by the way, seem like complete assholes, and she knows it. And if she did end up getting away from me I certainly wouldn’t go home, call my boyfriend and take a nap, I would be out all night looking for her. Good Lord…

Another thing that bothered me was the editing. There is a specific scene I have in mind that I won’t spoil in which we jump between an intense situation to a couple having sex and talking about swirly condoms. WHAT? Who thought that would be a good idea? I remember watching it and thinking “finally, some suspense!” Little did I know that suspense would be butchered by two seventeen-year-olds talking about swirly condoms, something I care deeply about. No. Just, no.

Well, there really isn’t much more I have to say about this movie. Oh but fun fact: the writer, Diablo Cody, is the same person who wrote Juno (2007), a movie I absolutely adore. Personally I don’t really see similarities between the two aside from the slightly darker humor. (Thought I would just bring that up since it really surprised me!) Anyway, I would only recommend this movie to those fans of Megan Fox, sex, and blood but if you’re like me and none of those things are of great interest to you in terms of watching a good movie, I’d say skip this one.