Director: Andrew Niccol
Writer: Andrew Niccol,
Stephanie Meyer
Starring: Saoirse Ronan, Max
Irons, Jake Abel
Good Lord…I mentioned in my F
review that I had originally picked Fifty
Shades of Grey. Well I wasn’t nearly as disappointed then as I was when I
randomly picked The Host. Why? Two
words: Stephanie Meyer.
So I’m going to start off by
saying that this was the longest two hours and five minutes of my life. Had I
not been watching it with my dad, who helped make the experience easier by
chatting throughout, I would have turned it off and cheated. I’m not kidding.
The Host stars Saoirse Ronan, Diane Kruger, William Hurt and some pretty
boys and it’s basically about this alien race that’s taken over Earth. The
aliens have the ability to take over human bodies and control them and they’re
pretty much perfect; they don’t kill, they don’t steal, they don’t…do anything
bad. So this girl named Melanie, who is very resistant to this new race, is
taken over by a “Host” after jumping out of a window to try to avoid it. (She’s
that passionate). Now that she’s been
“occupied” by one of these Hosts, the government (I guess it’s the government…)
tries to get information from her about those resisting this whole
lets-make-everyone-aliens-who-have-like-no-emotion idea. Among these people is,
of course, Melanie’s “lover,” Jared (Max Irons). Come on, what would a
Stephanie Meyer book be without the love interest?
Before too long, this Host,
who has been named Wanderer, comes to discover that Melanie is still somewhat
alive and stuck in this body. This is when shit gets complicated as it’s
basically a human and an alien sharing the same body. As crazy as it sounds,
the two somehow end up gaining each
others trust and form some sort of very strong relationship and join forces
with the resistance and then a bunch of stuff happens…If that wasn’t the worst
explanation of what this movie’s about, I don’t know what is…
Okay so if you can’t already
tell, I did not like this movie, and frankly, the main reason is that it’s just
really boring. I mean the plot idea
is interesting, I guess, but besides that, it is the most uninteresting movie
I’ve ever seen in my life. As you might have guessed, there is another guy
involved aside from Jared, named Ian (Jake Abel) which ignites this whole
stupid “love rectangle” between the two guys, the alien and the girl who can’t
even talk to anyone aside from Wanderer. It’s the most ridiculous thing!
Stephanie Meyer, I swear to God, she’s got a checklist she uses every time she
writes a novel: supernatural being, angsty teen girl, hot guy, love
triangle…It’s getting a little old, Ms. Meyer.
Aside from the fact that this
movie hardly held my attention for two hours, I had some other overall issues,
starting with the setting. The majority of this movie takes place in a cave. A
CAVE. If the movie were about survival and human behavior or psychology then it
would be fine! But it’s not. It’s a “sci-fi” movie. And when they’re not in the
cave, they’re in a desert. As if the cave weren’t beige and boring enough. It’s
like the location manager said, “let’s make the outside world just as boring and uninteresting as the
inside of a cave, it’ll look great!” What? Who agreed to that?? For people who
aren’t captivated by the plot, you’re screwed, because not only is the story
boring, so is the cinematography.
Moving on…The sunglasses.
This is a really small little detail I noticed but it bothered the heck out of
me. So I hadn’t mentioned before that when a human is occupied by a Host, their
eyes turn a different color and this is how they are identified. So if you don’t
have creepy blue eyes, watch out ‘cause you’re totally busted if someone sees
you. This obviously means that humans have to be really careful when going out
into the open world. So the two main pretty boys, in one scene, have
sunglasses. Tell me…HOW did they purchase these sunglasses while they’re eyes
are clearly not freakishly blue? If
you think about it they would have had to walk into a store, be in contact with
an alien, all while acting totally normal. What?! Hello, if you don’t have blue
eyes, you’re taken and turned into an alien. You’re telling me whoever sold
them the sunglasses just stood there and did nothing? They honestly might as
well have walked into government headquarters with a giant sign reading “I AM A
HUMAN – COME OPPUPY ME.” I know it’s small but unless I missed something in the
book or they just happened to have a pair on them before aliens started taking
over the world, this makes absolutely no sense, and it bothered the absolute
hell out of me. Ugh.
Next: the movie pretty much
explains how Melanie came to jump out of the window in the beginning through a
flashback montage thing. It tells us about how her and her brother met Jared
and how they formed a happy little non-alien family. What bothers me is that we
are obviously supposed to feel very invested in their relationship when the
only time we see them really in love is in a flashback. Unless you have the
talents of whoever wrote Up, you
won’t be able to evoke that much emotion from me or really anyone. I cared so
little about if they were ever going to see each other again it was ridiculous.
Seriously, even Bella and Edward had a more in depth relationship and THAT’S
saying something. Even staring at each other was more interesting than a thirty
second long montage.
Another issue I had with the
movie was the sound. We’ve got a pretty good television at my dad’s house along
with some pretty awesome speakers so when we watch action movies, it’s quite
the experience. However, the sound in this film was so unbalanced that I jumped and grabbed the remote to turn the
volume down about ten times. I don’t care if the sound in a movie is generally
loud or generally quiet because with a few clicks of a single button, I can
adjust it to my liking. Well not this time. Everything was mellow and fine
until freaking Melanie started yelling inside her head. In the time span of
like three seconds the volume would go from a five to a ten and give me, my dad
and even my dog heart attacks. And the action scenes? Pretty sure I’ve lost a
bit of my sense of hearing.
Alright, alright the movie
wasn’t completely terrible. In fact there were two things I liked about it:
Saoirse Ronan and Diane Kruger. I have to say, this movie did not deserve the
energy these two actresses delivered. They are two wonderfully talented women
and just wasted a whole lot on this movie. And you could tell, too. Just
watching Saoirse Ronan was enough to tell you that she was putting her heart
and soul into this movie and it just pained me.
Okay rant over. And this is
the first time I will advise you to please not waste your time with this film. I’m
not one to turn off movies but as I said I was extremely tempted to. Even to
fans of Twilight or any teen
romance/Sci-Fi movies or books, I would say to stay away from this one. If you
don’t trust me, I’ll just let you know that on Rotten Tomatoes it got an 8%.
Haven’t seen a score that low in a while… 
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